Walking the walk

This post follows the theme of my sweet heart post.

Last week M and I drove to the west side. (west siiiiide!) I meant to get gas before leaving town but was distracted by 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed, so we were riding on E. As I drove I wondered what I would do if we ran out out gas somewhere on the reservation. Scott was at a Bible Study, so I knew his phone would be off. In my mind different scenarios played out...and I hoped that someone would help us if needed.

Fast forward to the gas station. While filling up, I noticed a lady walking toward me...her hands clutching a gas can. I groaned to myself as it's VERY common in our city for panhandlers to hang out at gas stations.

She asked for money. I said, "No." She walked away.

Immediately my stomach dropped. A kick in the pants from God, I suppose. Had I so quickly forgotten my own desires for help if I would have run out of gas? And now here I was denying assistance to someone in need...someone who, like me, may have been hoping for help as she was "riding on E."

I started digging in my bag to find some cash, all the time watching the lady's unsuccessful attempts to get help. My eyes darted from the disgusted faces of those she approached to hers which grew more pained with each rejection.

With M observing the entire scene, I ran up to the lady, offered her the money, we talked briefly, and she quickly went into the station to buy her gas. Driving away, I watched her fill up her can as I explained the whole situation to Matthew.

This isn't a "Look, I did a nice thing" story, it is a sharing of the true ugliness in my heart apart from God. Now some would say that you shouldn't give money to people like this because you never know what they might use it for. I'm not so sure that's the correct response. Afterall, this lady was using it...was needing it...for gas to get home.

I don't want my first assumption about people to be negative. I want to respond first and foremost with God's love...and let Him give me discernment if needed. I'm not advocating putting yourself in danger or being unwise in the stewardship of your money, but I'm suggesting a change of heart that will lead to a change in actions.

I recently read an excerpt from Red Letters by Tom Davis which drove home what I have been feeling about this gas station situation:

"Would you help me?" he asked.
That stupid voice went off in my head again. The same voice that speaks to me when I happen upon a panhandler back home in the States. He'll probably just buy vodka if we give him money. That inner voice--it's mine. And it could very well be speaking the truth. But it's not the voice I want to hear. I want to hear Jesus. Did he put conditions on the help He offered? A familiar story elbowed it's way past my hesistancy. A story of Jesus helping a woman caught in adultery. Jesus didn't refuse to help the woman because she might sin again. He forgave her and told her to sin no more. She was worth the risk. She was worth helping.

The point of all of this? Walking the walk. How quickly after I was encouraging M to open his heart to those in need did I close my heart to one in need? And why? Because I assumed that she would misuse the money? Because I assumed that her motives might be impure?

I don't want to assume...or to hear my inner voice. I want to hear the voice of Jesus. I want to simply love. And love with the love of Christ.

It can be much easier to give to the cute orphans on the front of a glossy brochure than the smelly, dirty man on the street corner. But the "love your neighbor" command doesn't come with a list of exceptions. If we want our little ones to grow up with big hearts, we must model compassion and giving and love...especially when it stretches us.

The sweet and sour of being a mama

My BBFF Rebecca has a caption on her blog that reads "the sweet and sour of parenthood." While being a mother is typically 99% of the time sweet, those sour days can make your face puckered as if you just ate a big crate of lemons. Yesterday my time with Matthew began with him screaming (he had thrown his blanket out of his crib and wanted it back) and ended with him screaming (I was feeding him with a spoon and if I happened to put the spoon down to feed myself, he completely lost it...nevermind that his mouth was FULL). I was at the point of envisioning myself poking my eyeballs out with a spoon. A tiny green baby spoon. When Scott walked in the door last night I handed him the baby and literally ran out of the house (I was meeting a friend).

After a rough start at breakfast, today has been sweet. Matthew was wonderful at the doctor's office even giving smiles to the staff. He tried to play peek a boo with another little boy, and he was very happy. It makes a mama's heart feel better to see her baby smile and have fun. It's sweet. He is currently napping and has lasted longer than 20 minutes...so that is very sweet, too!

grace...joy for mourning

I sat outside the church in my little black Scoupe and watched the raindrops trickle down my windshield in unison with the tears trickling down my cheeks. I didn't see the other car pull up across the street, but suddenly he got out and, with his groomsmen by his side, rushed into the door to escape the rain.

My heart ached.

I knew he didn't love me....not the way a girl with a wedding dress stuffed in her backseat wants to be loved. Nor did I love him that way I guess. But I got out of my car, carefully gathered my dress, and tiptoed through the puddles to the church.

Fast forward: Scott and I watched Fireproof the other night. There is a part where one of the characters reveals that, due to his failed marriage, he carries a scar on his heart. His statement lingered with me because I can relate.

Jon and I were married soon after graduating college. Chalk it up to the ignorance of youth...or the sin of prideful hearts...or a comedy of errors, but we then divorced a few months shy of our 4th anniversary.

A scar on my heart.

That is what sin does. It diseases the healthy. Corrupts the innocent. Cuts with a knife so jagged that a scar is inevitable...

but God.

When I became a follower of Christ, I was forgiven of all my sins, and yet I began to see the reality of my sins in a new way. Suddenly I viewed my marriage/divorce not only as an issue between Jon and myself but as an offense against my God. My selfish, prideful, bitter treatment of Jon was not only mean to him, but it caused anguish to my Savior, the One who paid for those sins. As eye-opening as this was, it oddly enough did not produce feelings of human guilt but instead of godly mourning...the kind of grief that doesn't camp out on your failures but moves to a place of gratitude and praise for His forgiveness for those failures.

May we mourn to think that we have pierced the Savior, that we have transgressed against a God so good, and a Redeemer so generous. -C.H. Spurgeon

but grace.

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. Isaiah 61:3


I love this promise in the OT. God says that for those who truly mourn their sin, He will indeed comfort them. As those who accept God's forgiveness through Christ, no longer do we wear the ashes of mourning; by His grace He exchanges our grief for joy. God is faithful on His part; however, I think that often we are unfaithful in looking for the ways in which He imparts this grace. By acknowledging His favor and responding in praise, the last part of the verse becomes true in our lives...THAT HE MIGHT BE GLORIFIED.

A while back God showed me grace in the form of an email from Emily, Jon's wife. Upon learning of my mom's cancer, she wrote to extend her sympathies and encouragement. Since her mother is a cancer survivor, she offered the comfort that comes only from experience and the prayers that come from a knowing heart. We became fast friends because we're both so cool (the fact that I just typed that sentence proves otherwise) and because she always gives good mama advice (hmmm...the friendship seems a little one-sided, huh?).

Emily didn't have to email me, in fact, she probably had every reason not to...humanly speaking. Her act was one of unmerited favor...God's grace working through her. I see this as a picture of God giving "beauty for ashes." To me it is amazing that, while Jon and I had no interest in God while we were married, God had interest in us. While we didn't glorify Him in our marriage, He blessed us both with new godly marriages. We did not deserve His unmerited favor, but God abundantly lavished it on us...what joy!

This is grace. And it is soothing and healing and renewing.

Is your heart scarred? Do you mourn your sin? Go to God and let His sweet salve of grace cover your wounds. And then, in a garment of praise, glorify the Giver of all grace.

For the LORD God [is] a sun and shield; The LORD will give grace and glory; No good [thing] will He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

sweet heart

This morning I picked up a Bucker Orphan magazine and said to M, "I want to show you something." I turned to a photo of a baby...a little one obviously living in poverty...and told M that the baby did not have any food to eat.

I was actually surprised by how quickly M's demeanor changed...he looked very sad. I asked him if we should send the baby's mama some money to buy some food. Then I asked, "Do we have any money to send?" He immediately started pointing to the laundry room, so we walked in, and he pointed to the change bowl I keep on top of the dryer. I helped him climb on the stool and he selected coins out of the dish and placed them in my hand. He was mometarily distracted by the dryer buttons that were begging to be pushed, but he quickly got back on task!

We put the money in an envelope and will send it to Buckner later today!

post-o-rama!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Monday, everyone! Hope you are feeling thankful as we head into this week of turkey-licious indulgence. One of the things I really wanted to learn from my mom before she passed was how to make dressing. No one makes it like my mom. The opportunity did not present itself, so I'm going to have to try it on my own. I have never (as in EVER) cooked a Thanksgiving meal before. Not even parts of the meal....well, at least not any important parts. In fact, Scott's side of the family asks yearly that I just bring salad...I think they figure I can't really mess up chopped vegetables.

M and I went to the store the other day and, as we were walking down the main aisle, he spotted the lingerie section. Now M has only seen my bras a handful of times...and they are not a topic of regular discussion...but boy did he know how to shout "BRA, BRA, MOM, BRA, MOM, BRA, BRA!" at the top of his lungs while leaning almost completely out of the cart to point at the displays. Good, good times these are.

Onto a completely different subject...you know those balance scales? The ones that have the two weighing trays? Here's my thought...at the end of the day, if you put your sins from the day on one side and your confessions of those sins on the other, would they balance? I don't mean this in a legalistic sense but in the idea that confession of our sins to God is good for our relationship with Him.

If you have accepted the forgiveness of Jesus for your sins, then your sins are forgiven.

FOR.GIV.EN. Period. Finished. The end.

However, sanctification is a process...and, as frustrating as it is, we do still sin. You may recall in John 13 when Jesus washed His disciples' feet. Peter said "wash my hands and head, too" but Jesus declined by stating, "He who is bathed needs only to wash [his] feet, but is completely clean; and you are clean..."

Through our faith in Christ, we are clean in the sense that we are forgiven and reconciled to God...and yet living in this world our feet do get dirty. One of M's Bibles shows a guy stepping in chicken poop in illustration for this story. Yep, there are days that my feet get pretty covered with the chicken poop of gossip, pride, selfishness, and idolatry (including BLOGGING!). And they need...I need...to be washed clean.

Think about when you have been wronged by someone you love and how genuine repentance and remorse by that person brings healing and growth to the relationship. Without repentance and remorse, the relationship will suffer. Perhaps, in shame, that person will begin to avoid you, possibly even cutting all ties with you. The same can happen with God and us. Whether or not we realize it, our sins can begin to weigh heavy upon our shoulders and the guilt causes us to stop seeking after God. Intimacy is broken. Additionally, our confessions basically say that we stand in agreement with what God says in sinful and, therefore, harmful to us. We line up our thinking with His. We submit to His truth.

Can't think of any sins to confess? Ask God to show you! Job inquired, "How many [are] my iniquities and sins? Make me know my transgression and my sin." Then you can pray Psalm 51 as a prayer requesting forgiveness.

Psalm 66:18 says, "If I regard iniquity in my heart, The Lord will not hear." I do believe this is true and that we need to be mindful of this verse. But if today you are holding onto the guilt and shame of sin and it's keeping you from sweet fellowship with God, allow these verses to hug your heart:

Psalm 86:5 For You, Lord, [are] good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.


I edited this w/out sound (my computer is on strike) so I have no clue if I cut off anything cute...


edited2add: Rebecca's Mark is home from Iraq and has shared a wonderfully encouraging post HERE!

17 MONTHS OLD!!!!

Again, sorry for the blurry photos.........ugh. Double ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Here M is sporting his new man bag:

A joy of motherhood...fresh flowers hand-picked especially for you:
M writing a thank-you card to the Marbury family for the fun hat:

Matthew at 17 months:

- now when we are out&about and he sees letters on signs, he starts pointing and making his "alphabet sounds."

- he is doing well with using a spoon, following complex directions, and recognizing colors/letters/numbers/shapes. On his number puzzle, I can ask him questions like "Which number is on our mailbox?" and he points to the correct number.

- he understands general things, for example, to put on his sock, he can't just lay it on his foot, but he needs to put his fingers in the hole and stretch it out first.

- the other day he brought me a book with a page that talks about baking cookies....and he started pointing at them. I asked if he wanted a snack (dumb question) and, when we went into the kitchen, he led me directly to the muffins we had baked earlier in the week.

- in another book is a picture of a bear hugging some kids. M picked up a magnet that looks like a boy, opened the book to that page, and made the magnet hug the picture.

- while he hasn't exploded verbally, he does seem to say the word bed...and he says it as "gung" or "gung gung."

- he still eats quite a lot, but he is definitely becoming a pickier eater. I think that before now he was shoveling the food in so fast that he never actually tasted it. Now that the food is staying in his mouth a little longer, he is quick to let me know what he does not like.

- he loves to "dip!" Give him any kind of sauce and something to dip in it, and he goes to town.

- he continues to have a wonderful sharing heart, to help clean the house when asked (and sometimes on his own...as he finds little items on the floor, he takes them straight to the garbage can), and to be a sweet, sweet baby.

- his sleeping is improved...nights seem much less restless, and his naps are worthy of being called a nap rather than a blink.

- his atopic dermatitis flares and then subsides in cycles. It's pretty good right now, which may account for his improved sleep.

- no more teeth yet, but he is starting to stick his whole fist in his mouth again for chewing, so I suspect more are on the way.

And that's our big 17 month old boy!!!!

Update on Lil' M

So yesterday proved to be our first real "sick" experience with Matthew. Right before bed he started throwing up and did so about 7+ times within an hour. As a first time mama's first time experience with a sick baby, all I can say is WOW does your heart hurt for your kid! My SuperHubby, who normally has a VERY queasy stomach about such things, kicked it into high gear and became MarthaScottStewart...scrubbing carpet and countertops, washing linens and clothes, making trips to stores, and even buying me a bag of M&Ms! A FAMILY SIZE BAG! Matthew seems to be feeling better today...pretty sleepy but keeping down some liquids and light foods.

Since I mentioned Scott above and rarely talk about him, I thought I give you a glimpse into the one who holds my heart:

After my recent trip into the very cool but oh so expensive Anthropologie store:
Me: I really like their clothes but a shirt is like $100.
Scott: Well, did you ask them "When's this stuff gonna make it to TJ Maxx?"

As I was getting out a jar of caramel sauce for my afternoon snack...and eating a spoonful right out of the jar (don't worry, I don't double dip!)
Scott: Ah, sweet nectar straight from the vine.

As I was opening a package of Velveeta to make our nutritious dinner of Rotel dip & chips:
Me: This is rank! Does Velveeta go bad?
Scott: Not for a couple of decades; it's fine.

Reading the label on Matthew's dinner jar:
Scott: Savory carrots. IS there such a thing?

This Friday night we are going to a Robbie Seay concert!
Me: Oooh...this Friday night we have a date.
Scott: Yeah, everyone will probably be screaming and holding up lighters.
Me: Everyone including YOU?
Scott: Not me; I'm too stoic.
Me: no response
Scott: Babes, just kidding! I'll be jogging in place.

A Rockstar and A Superstar

A Rockstar: Here are pics of M rockin' out (literally) as he found a bunch of rocks to play with outside the restaurant.

A Superstar: Or maybe I should say "Suuupahstaaaah"...I had the GREAT PLEASURE of speaking with Andrea on the phone today and, let me tell you, I will never read her posts the same way again! Andrea has a thick Southern Belle accent that cracked me up from the moment she said her first word. As she spoke I could almost see the passionate expressions forming on her lovely face. Her voice is etched in my mind...a sweet reminder of a sweet woman.

Andrea is a go-to girl. If you have questions, this mama has answers. She is well-read and muy intelligente with an extra dose of common sense...but my two fave things about Andrea are her heart and her humility. Oh, THREE things...and that she's not above laughing at her kids when they're in the middle of a "throw down!"

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

Rebecca is saying adios to the public blogging community because she is joining the Ice Capades....no, wait, that is Scott. She gives the actual reasons for her decision HERE.

So much of what she says has been quite heavy on my heart lately, but she said it so eloquently that I'll let you read her words instead. I'll just share the quick comment I left on her blog:

Oh, look, my BBFF wrote exactly what I have been thinking!! This has been heavy on my heart especially since being reconnected with my friend in Mexico. So much of what we do give is out of our insane abundance...perfectly good stuff that we just don't want anymore...or we give it away because we want something new. We really know very little about sacrificial love and sacrificial giving. Why not keep our old coat and buy a brand new one...a NICE brand new one...for someone else? Why not use our vacation money to pay for another person's vacation...someone who cannot afford to "get away"? We tend to feel OK giving for other people's basic necessities...but what about lavishing them with luxury...just as we have been lavished? Great post...I'll miss your blogs...and I hope to get an invite to your private one! LOVE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Signs of the times...

You may remember that Matthew has learned to sign "bottle." This morning when he woke up I was still beat, so I gave him a toy hoping he would play and I could rest for a few more minutes. He looked at the toy, looked at me, and then started signing like crazy for a bottle! No tricking this one! Then tonight at dinner he finally started signing for "more!" Must have been those oh-so-delicious dried sweet corn snacks that pushed him over the edge! It is really cute because he gets a little excited and starts the sign for bottle and then works his way into the sign for more.

We had a busy weekend, so I don't have new photos to post. I finally watched The Notebook for the 1st time. A little late, huh? I usually don't watch love stories...they WRECK me...I get so into the movie & characters that it's like my heart is ripped out of my chest and is sitting next to me...completely exposed...waiting to be pummeled by the story's rollercoaster of emotions. Scott already said I shouldn't watch The Notebook again...guess I'll just stick with Nacho Libre. So anyway here are some old videos I dug up of Mateo!

Being a turkey on Thanksgiving Day at Grandma Goff's

Now this one is rated E for EXCITEMENT! Don't blink or you might miss the hint of a grin on Matthew's face!

inspired by stefanie (ni hao y'all)

I clicked on my blog and was going to do a new post about...NOTHING. Because I have NOTHING. So instead I decided to check out sweet Stefanie...who had just published a post saying SHE had NOTHING! (although, in reality, she had some really cute SOMETHINGS).

I guess stuff is going on...I've
got a WACAP pre-app sitting on the desk in front of me.
been ruminating a lot lately on parenting...and on the heart of my child.
planning a Ladies' Night with some awesome friends for tonight!
been given a cool opportunity recently by God to use photography to serve others.
been praying much more than I ever have before.

I hope that today, whether your day is filled with lots of somethings or lots of nothings...whether in the exciting or in the mundane...that you use it ALL to glorify God!

A boy after his mama's heart

Every morning Matthew and I hang out in his room while he drinks his morning milk. We play, read books, do a daily devotional, etc. This morning I happened to mention something about his stuffed Duck which was sitting in a chair with Teddy, Blue Puppy, and Sweet Pea. The next thing I know, Matthew scoots over to the chair and gives Duck a drink of his milk. But...he didn't stop there. Of his own doing, he gave each animal a drink of milk. And when he saw Baby Tiger on the floor next to the chair, Matthew made sure he got a drink too! Making sure everyone is included...that's what I love!

Matthew thinks it is pretty funny that I put a diaper on Big Teddy. Even for our serious little guy, just mentioning this gets an audible laugh. Here he is washing the bear. I know it's kinda girly stuff, but we do our fair share of dirt playing and ball throwing! The second photo came out blurry, so I used the "sketch" action in photoshop express.

UPdate

A little late on a 19 month update! M is up to SIX teeth and FOUR words!

His words are
- help
- Dada
- uh-oh
- oval

He also tries to make some animal sounds...and I think we got a "mom" out of him while we were in IL. He also for the first time did a good raspberry/blowing bubbles thing with his mouth on the plane ride home.

I can now write short words on cards, put them on the floor in front of the fridge, and he will find the magnetic letters to place on top of the written letters on the card.

I continue to be amazed at his
- receptive language - you don't really have to change the way you talk to him (i.e., slow down, repeat a bunch of times, etc) - he just gets what you are saying and follows through on what you ask him to do

- memory - when we get together with people, you only have to tell him their names once and he remembers who they are and things about them. Even on the plane ride home I would say a name of someone he may have seen only once or twice, and he would do the action of what he remembered that person doing.

- observation skills - I never realize how much he is paying attention to all that is going on...even if he doesn't seem like he is...until he mimics an action or seems to remember something I had no clue he knew about.

- understanding of "issues of the heart" - for ex, you will see from the photos that my sweet Mom has cancer. M and I have read in his kids' Bible the story of Jesus healing Jairus' daughter. I mentioned Jairus, and M remembered that story. As he and I were praying for my Mom one night before bed, M pointed upstairs where she was and started saying "help, help." I asked if Jesus could help her, and he nodded.

Here are photos from the trip, courtesy of Smooch. I tried to take a break from the camera and just enjoy the moments! Sorry some are a little fuzzy; I think it's a MP issue.